Conversations With Hrodgar, Part One

9 September of 2005


Thanks for taking the time to reply to my comments. When I first started reading your blog I was struck by your eloquence and how your past comes to life through people. Like many I wondered if you were a figment of some brilliant writer’s imagination. This no longer seems important, you are a real person with amazing stories to tell. Who you are seems less important than what you share with us.

We are all different. I was born with a gift to learn and understand how things work. Our bodies mechanisms of aging and healing are things no one fully comprehends, but some of the complexities are apparent. How you came to be is a puzzle and probably will stay so but your existence is both plausible and partially explicable from a scientific viewpoint. Evolution requires aging and death, Life itself has no such imperative. Your DNA is a little different, still human but with enough elegant changes that deliberate design rather than random mutation seems a certainty. You were made with purpose and your creation involved not a little effort and a thousand times more knowledge of our genetic code than we now possess. Whatever the purpose in your being I am glad of your existence and willingness to write.

I have always been driven by a hunger to learn and many times found what seems at first unknowable gradually becomes seen, first as ghosts and echos, visions, stories and dreams and then finally takes form and substance for me. My desire to meet you is strong, perhaps irrationally so. To know someone who has seen the beauty and futility, the cycles long and short with clear eyes and not held back through fear from truly living despite the certain knowledge of separation and loss. Perhaps to argue and debate, share the precious and puzzling, talk of things few know or even dare to think.

Happily, I have a family I love. As you are the very image of that which would tempt me most there is also the fear of losing myself and them. Although more through circumstances than will I have never consummated the desire to be with anyone but my wife, the incredible tide that swept me, head buzzing with desire for another, reason abandoned is still fresh in my mind after many years. I am however no Tom Cruise. My purpose for saying these things is to be honest and not hide myself or my fears however foolish or unlikely.

I have little to offer except my time and whatever I know that you do not. I can do one thing that is to my knowledge unique. My mind is driven by those I am with and changes in ways I do not understand when I engage. I have searched all my life for someone who could head to head equal me but have been left disappointed. Alone I am myself but come alive as if transformed and seem to know and see through many others eyes when challenged by another. This has in a strange way made me jaded and dissatisfied. Why was I made with a mind that excels most when brought alive by another’s brilliance. The connection seems strange in that once made they become part of my way of seeing the world as if their understanding somehow imprints on mine. I believe if we were to meet the result would be a new understanding for both of us and although I don’t know why I say it a resolution of some things we neither understood before.

I do not fully understand why I am writing this, The impracticality of what I am suggesting is breathtaking and I expect nothing more than a polite explanation of why it is impossible. Or even silence, but in some strange sense there is some purpose in this which will unfold in time.



11 September of 2005


?Tis an odd world in which we dwell, is it not?

I have been approached before as a result of my journal, in some cases the method and persistence of such attentions became problematic and played no small part in my decision to abandon my efforts in December of 2003. This is not to say I am unwilling to converse, rather it is an admonishment to keep one’s credulous tendencies firmly in check. Regardless of who or what I might be there is much to recommend drawing a fine, bright line between what is true and what one wishes to believe.


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