In the comments to this post, Mr. Renick takes me to task for my inhuman and murderous ways, then asks:

“By the way, do you even believe in God? He may judge you one day you know.”

Mr. Renick,

What am I to believe in? What would you have me believe in?

God. If I assume you mean by God anything resembling the all-knowing, all-seeing creator of the universe depicted in the Bible, Talmud and Koran, then I am afraid I must disappoint, for I have no real ability to relate to that concept in any meaningful way. I worshipped many gods in my first two thousand years. I was worshipped as a minor goddess on and off for a pair of centuries. I have seen the religion complex from both sides and I am left feeling drained and unimpressed.

I know that religion offers much to those who believe. Faith is an immensely powerful force in the lives of Men. It can motivate entire nations to greatness, and even when we accept that the converse is also undeniably true we can still sift through the results and reasonably conclude that belief in God is a Good thing.

I am unimpressed by those who hold religion as maleficent influence in the affairs of Man. Yes, I am aware of the Crusades. I am aware of the Inquisitions, the Heresies and the auto-da-f?. I witnessed many such in my time and had reason to suspect that I might be on the receiving end of such un-tender mercilessness. Nevertheless, this was not the doing of religion- it was the handiwork of Men who used religion as an excuse. Lacking God, they would have found some other handy tool to flog the populace in to a frenzy of fear and murder.

I am no atheist. I do not pretend to great knowledge in the spiritual realms inhabited by such as you. I am denied such things. Your fears are not mine. Your failings are your own. That which I carry as an aching weight upon my heart would burn you to ashes in but a moment. That I might bear such burdens is by virtue of long practice and I undertake it without much in the way of joy or satisfaction. My life slowly becomes such that I wonder at my ultimate purpose. Perhaps I merely seek that one final act of contrition, that thing which might set the scales to balanced and allow me to fairly contemplate my own end in the sure and certain knowledge that what great harms I have done are finally, mercifully, put to paid.

God. If He exists for such as I, perhaps he might be so kind as to answer a simple question:

What did I do? What made You so terribly angry with me?

8 Responses to “God”

  1. Why do you assume that god (and I use lowercase on purpose) is angry with you? And, must you believe in a god to have faith? For me, god defies strict interpretation. He/she/it is multi-faceted and is many things to many people. In my own search of my faith and my “God”, I found that no one else could tell me what to look for. I had to trust in myself, trust in my journey, and have faith that what I know to be true, IS. In my eyes, you have yet to find what you’re looking for.

  2. After a few hours sleep, I just realized how presumptive that statement of mine was, “In my eyes, you have yet to find what you’re looking for.” Let me qualify that by saying that I do not know you beyond what you share on your journal. I am going by your words and what they show is mostly unhappiness and regret. But far more telling into your psyche is your question to God, “What made You so terribly angry with me?”

    To assume that god is angry with you for what and who you are, tells me that you are not entirely happy or satisfied with yourself. That you are still asking yourself, why me? why am I here? Those are the questions that I feel are the important ones that must be answered when one seeks to find “God” and faith.

  3. The question I would pose shall never truly be asked, for I am unconvinced of the existence of God as described in the three largest monotheistic belief systems. In that light, the question is purely rhetorical and devoid of true meaning.

    If I speculate that the Christian God is real (and I am making a rather broad, but likely valid assumption that this was the basis of Mr. Renick’s question), I would then be forced to accept my existence as something He intended (barring any desire to resurrect the Manichean heresy). Were that the case, what conclusion could I draw from the last thirty-five centuries? Have the many centuries of my existence been a blessing, or a curse? I know my answer. I would be curious to know His.

    For what it may be worth, I do not claim to believe there is no God. Rather I suspect that any divine being is likely beyond Man’s capacity to know or understand. If we assume the universe was created as a deliberate and willful act we can be presumptuous enough to suspect that man shares with this creator that one aspect: the will to create. Exploring that facet of the human animal is likely the best avenue for obtaining some glimpse of the purpose and meaning behind the divine.

    Beyond the above musings, I try not to concern myself with it overly much. My concepts of Good and Evil, while certainly shaped by the assorted religious beliefs I have been exposed to, are nonetheless quite mundane and are admittedly open to situational review.

  4. I think that Mr. Remick needs to learn the difference between killing and murder.

    There are (if I remember this correctly), three types of homicide: reprehensible, necessary, and praisworthy. I should think that killing in defense of self and others falls in the third category.


  5. Good criminy. First Miss Mareeko says “Why me lord?” and then her fans say “hey killing in defnese is okay.” Excuse me, this is the lady who says she kileld a bunch of guys in Rome just because she felt like it and killed a guy in Georgia just cuz she thought he had it coming and says she’d like to cull the herds of humans of undesirables. What the hell are you people smoking? And sits around talking bout how no one is capable of understanding her. Crap I’ll bet poor ol’ Charlie Manson said the same.

    As for God hey you call it higher power or whatever, Christianity’s values aren’t much different from what guys like Aristotle were saying. You don’t run around judging others before you judge yourself and you don’t take it on yourself to just do as you feel.

    I don’t get this “I’m a murderer cuz God hates me” crap.

    Mind you the whole thing’s just a story I’m sure but I’ve kinda gotta be wondering what it is that makes people feel sorry for this Mareeko lady. “Oh boohoo God hates me so I killed a man in Georgia just to watch him die….” shit.

  6. Ed Renick-

    All I can say is, wow. Just, wow. Who taped a hair across your ass, dude?


  7. Okay. I’ll calm down. It’s all just fun anyway. She’s not the first I’ve met to think God’s out to get her.

    So tell me, babe: what kind of magic tricks can you do?

  8. Hmmm ….

    Interesting train of thought. Ed (and please correct me if I am reading too much into this) thinks Zsallia is most likely the product of the over-active imagination of a geeky hack blogger that would like to feel more empowered and so invents fantasies of being an immortal that takes life on a whim, regardless of how often that whim may have come along. He finds it morally reprehensible, even if it is the product of an over-active imagination, that Zsallia would have “fans”, due to her confessions of multiple, even hundreds, of murders.

    He has brought God into the mix, which I find equally interesting. He reminds me of someone that used to post here several months back, with less attention to punctuation.

    He does raise an interesting point, though. What is it about Zsallia that appeals to us? I have had conversations with people that have taken lives before, but those were in combat. As Ed mentions, the whole incident in Rome wasn’t a self-defence issue. They, like her, had to deal with the issue for the rest of their lives. Their lives were not unimaginably long,but to some they seemed to be, and they never found a way to fully deal with their regret. Others stated that it was just part of their job, like fixing a motorbike, or dressing a deer. I suspected there was more beneath the surface, but they kept it to themselves.

    For my own, all I can say is that I am naive enough to buy into it when someone repents. It doesn’t fix the issue, I know, but for my own sanity I have to believe that there is hope for people that have done wrong and can’t go back and make it right. If not, then not only am I personally screwed beyond all recognition, but Christianity, for which I have a great deal of fondness, becomes a pathetic lie.

    If Ed is wrong (It seems unlikely though, doesn’t it? But humor me here for a minute), Zsallia is not so much different from most people I know, spiritually speaking. The world is full of people that have done wrong and are carrying the weight of it around with them, having nowhere else to put it. As a Jesus Freak, I have to say that if their logic, or the demanding hand of Science, or their upbringing, or whatever, keeps them from turning in the direction I found, my first obligation is to have compassion for them. How is Zsallia any different, whether she wants compassion or not?

    If Ed is right, then my obligation is the same. Zsallia has put forth that her views of good and evil are, “quite mundane and are admittedly open to situational review.” This point of view, no matter from how many years back it is generated, is common to many in modern society. When there are no moral absolutes, then one really doesn’t have morals so much as ethics, which can be quite malleable according to situation.

    I’m pretty sure I had a point among all that drivel. Perhaps I’ll revisit it at my own site.