Invitation to Despair

Having been absent some short while I feel the need to revisit something; however, I am uncertain of my ability to express this properly. In no small way a major purpose of this forum has been to seek the best, most complete method of saying what follows.

Note that I hold no faith. Note furthermore that I reject no faith. My existence is such that I am denied the easy definitions Men place upon the indefinable.

I am not as you, destined to spend perhaps a century upon this plane, a full lifetime of pleasures, pains, fears and triumphs. This span I shall count but in passing. This does not make of me something greater than thee, merely something different.

There is naught one such as I may call companionship, for it is the nature of mortals that they must perish. In words more direct, by the time you become truly interesting to me, you die. It is my fate to place my hopes and desires within such fragile containers and hope beyond reason that some thread, some connection, might persist in to the coming days: some inkling of understanding that has as its heart a beacon of hope rather than a desire for power, a plea for justice and mercy rather than a plot for dominance.

It is Death that separates us. Death has parted me from all I have come to know and love, but it further sets a wall between you and I, forcing either a painful revelation or the keeping of secrets both dear and dire. It has transpired that I shared the truth of myself with some who in the end could not accept what I am or that this “gift” I cannot share. Those are the most painful of all for long experience can inure me to the pain of losing those I hold dear, but the burden of knowing I have caused suffering by the mere knowledge of my existence… how do I make amends for existing? How do I make amends for desiring the comfort of others about me? For being so weak as to show all of who and what I am?

Is this the infinitesimal mark of evil, that I should thrust myself in to the world of those whose lives might be carefree but for my need? Is this a right, something I deserve, or is it a cruel selfishness? Am I to see myself as blessed, or damned? I despair of kenning the difference. My knowledge is but of Men, not of Gods.

6 Responses to “Invitation to Despair”

  1. Your “thee”s and “thou”s come out when you are weary, dear.

    Perhaps the weight of this unique state of being is what has driven you back to us. We are empathetic, though not fully understanding, and yet we are faceless, which reduces the anxiety of loss. Having someone with whom you can confide is the basis for entire religious movements. Believer or not, you have to admit that there is significant power in confession.

    Death will, eventually, take me, it is true. I believe it will take you sooner or later, as you have said in the past that you find it unlikely that you could recover from certain levels of trauma. But that does not mean you can’t open up here. In this place of faceless voices and open minds, we ask little, and offer less. It seems, though, that the little we offer may be just what you need.

  2. You are actually living one of my favorite fantasies. Of course, you have opened my eyes to the downside of experiencing life through the ages.

    Anyway, you are a fascinating read and I hope you will continue to share your unique insights on the world and the human condition.

    As Mr. E said above, perhaps the 21st century technologies will allow you to connect with the mortals around you in a way that has heretofore been impossible. And if you can somehow find comfort in that tenuous connection then you will be better for it. As one writer put it: “That’s the worst I think. When the secret stays locked within, not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear.”

    We will be here for you.

  3. how are you causing me despair? crap if its that bad anyway why not kill yourself? or cant you?

  4. anonymouse just struck something there; a thought. Have you ever considered suicide? Do you fear death?

  5. we’re real nice arent we?

  6. I wondered if you were going to pop back up online. It seems you are no more immune to the pull of the blogosphere then ordinary mortals.

    I had a thought about you the other day, and I didn’t know how to get in touch with you.

    I wondered about the circumstances of your birth. Was it mortal flesh that brought you life? An experiment? A gene transfer from some advanced science of a race long since extinguished?

    If natural, a mutation or a freak of nature(no offense intended), wouldn’t there have to be some corresponding or opposite reaction by nature?

    Depending on your viewpoint of how the world works, you could have an evil twin or more like you out there.

    Paul Erdos did work in which he hazarded a guess that God enjoys playing dice. Einstein thought the exact opposite. Perhaps you are the work of random graph theory, or perhaps deliberate.

    If you cannot die, then perhaps you are the polar opposite of death, created when Adam and Eve were first cast out of the garden. As long as you exist, man will continue along his path. Perhaps just fancy, but there are groups that would take your capture and destruction very seriously.

    What if your death heralds the second Coming? The lack of death and the promise of rebirth… very powerful symbols to an increasingly uncertain world.