Why do this? Why return to this? There are so very many reasons to let it lie and no good reason to take it up again, yet here I am. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I returned to the old site and set my pointer over the delete option. Make it all go away. Cover my tracks and make it all something that may never have been.

That would have been the wise thing to do. Instead I have moved here. I have enlisted others to design this place. These are not entirely rational acts for one such as I.

The past few months have not been lacking in distractions. There is the house, requiring meetings with architects and contractors. I am fortunate that the off-season renders them more available than would oft be the case. Between that happy circumstance and my willingness to spend money, I should have the house in a livable state by the end of the summer. There are also more long-term plans requiring my attentions, preparations against future needs both anticipated and unpredictable. Those require the attentions of lawyers and accountants and bankers sufficient to fill my days with irritating minutiae.

Why add another source of uncertainty to an already uncertain life? It cannot be loneliness for my life is now filled with people who treat me as family. I have Edna, and her niece Sarah. They are both comfort and somehow unnerving. Only Edna knows the truth, but she walks about with an odd grin upon her countenance that leads some to wonder on her sanity. When we are alone we talk, a transportation in to a life I left behind. Though she knows of it only through family tales and what snippets have survived the decades she has an insight that can be astounding. I believe she has carried the romance of her little secret close to her heart. I find that notion both endearing and, strangely, more than a little frightening.

The question remains: why return to this? Despite the risks it entails it offers some comfort, some release. I suspect my dear Alice would propose it offers nourishment to the ego. Perhaps she would be correct. Of late I am not so certain in my pronouncements on my motives, desires and needs. I have surprised myself over the past year; no small feat, that. So I am here, and here I shall remain until I understand why.

Posted on April 18th, 2004 by Zsallia
Filed under: The Present