In the end…

It has been a long pair of years for me since I wrote this post. Time passes quickly more often than not, but there has been a great deal of agonizing over the doubts and fears I exposed when I set down that road. Much has happened that cannot and will not find their way to the pages of this journal. In the end I owe Dalene and the others at least that much.

I regret what happened, that I gave into my fear. I still believe whatever future the band might have had was at best problematic, but I should have stayed. I should have told them the truth and let events unfold from there. They would have believed me, eventually.  They certainly do now.

In recounting the events from 1964 to 1967 I have come to understand that for more than a century I have been trying to find some way to come forward and let the world take me or leave me as it saw fit. Events over the past six years have led me to believe the world would mostly choose the latter option, though there have been some who obsess to the point of madness. So long as those are few and far between they are simple enough to deal with.
What to do now? There are still many things to say, stories to tell, but my neglect of this journal has generated the predictable result and my only visitors are the occasional die-hard and those searching for things they will not find here. I can start anew if I can find it within myself to delve into those things still untold. I would like to try.

Dalene, Nefirtiri, Aiko- all three of you deserved better, but in the final analysis was it all so terrible? When we met you were months, a year at most, from death or worse. More than forty years later you are all still here, still friends and enjoying your lives in ways you once never dreamed you could. Was the pain I caused you too high a price to pay? Only you can answer that question, but I shall take satisfaction from the fact that you are still here to answer it should you so choose.

I should have stayed with you. There are many things I should have done that I failed to do- in a life as long as mine that list is quite long and carrying the guilt of those failures is far too heavy a burden to bear. I am setting this one down and leaving it behind.

Z

Leave a Reply