It had already turned cold before the bar emptied out and over the next hour the temperature dropped like a stone. I was wearing a light denim jacket over my stage outfit and the cold dug into me remorselessly, but I forced the sensation down, concentrating on listening and watching. Cigarette stubs littered the ground about my feet as I methodically chain-smoked through a pack, staring at the door, willing it to open and planning what I would do if it did not. I decided I would wait until I finished my last cigarette, then I was going in to get her and to Hell with the consequences.<\/p>\n
The last cigarette was in my hand, the crumpled pack falling to the ground when the door finally cracked open and Dalene slipped out, closing it behind her. She stood in the doorway, a pale apparition in the starlit darkness. Coming from the warmth and light of the club she did not see me as she started across the parking lot towards the hotel, wrapping her arms about herself- a gold lamee mini dress and matching boots were no match for a November night in I slipped the cigarette between my lips and as she came close I struck my last match. The flare of light startled her and she stopped in her tracks as I dragged the flame into the tobacco, then tossed the match to the ground. Our gaze met and her lips parted, the tension easing from her brow for a moment as tears threatened, making her eyes glisten. The ache of worry that had filled me the past hour suddenly welled up in my throat and broke from my lips in a single, gasping cry.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cWhy? Because I hate it when you… when you let them touch you. I hate waiting for you to come back. I hate the way you smell!<\/em> I hate the way you pretend it\u2019s nothing, like we shouldn\u2019t care or even notice<\/em> what you\u2019re doing.\u201d<\/p>\n I stared at her, feeling the force of her words striking me as she stepped close and gripped my arms, drawing me to her. The look in her eyes was almost frightening, enough to make me brace my hands against her chest, but then she leaned down and kissed me\u2026 and I could taste him in her mouth. There were wet streaks in her hair and stains on her dress- I could smell him all over her. She broke the kiss, let go of my arms, then plucked the cigarette from my fingers and took a long drag.<\/p>\n \u201cDisgusting, isn\u2019t it? I want to gag just thinking about it\u2026 and we left this behind, remember? You, and me, the four of us; except now it\u2019s Aiko, Neff and me, and you\u2019re just outside it all. It\u2019s the three of us, and you. And I hate that most of all.\u201d She took another drag, then dropped the cigarette and crushed it under the toe of her boot. \u201cAnd now maybe you know how it feels to be me.\u201d<\/p>\n I stared at her, unsure what to say. I had hurt her, hurt all of them, and I had done it without thinking; so focused on buffering them against the world that I had pulled away from them. Away from her<\/em>. Her eyes were hard, but she was holding back tears, her arms wrapped tightly about herself as she shivered from the cold.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t\u2026\u201d I started, but then took a deep breath and tried again. \u201cIt wasn\u2019t supposed to be like this. I just feel\u2026 I dragged you all out here\u2026\u201d Words failed me then, and all I could think to do was lean into her and hold on. Dalene slowly unfolded her arms and took me in, her chin resting atop my head while I tried to force something, anything out past my lips. Nothing would come because the only words I wanted to speak were the truth. I wanted to tell her everything, tell her why I let this wall grow between us, tell her that loving her was beautiful and terrifying\u2026<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d was all I managed to squeak out, \u201c \u201cAngie,\u201d she whispered, \u201cI know, baby. I know.\u201d I could feel her shaking, knowing it was more than just the cold as I felt her tears falling on me. \u201cWe just have to be strong together, that\u2019s all.\u201d<\/p>\n We clung to each other whispering tenderness, reassurances and promises but I could not stop weeping. The weight of my deception, the aching need to tell her the truth and the fear that made that impossible warred within me until I was too wrung out to cry anymore, leaving me empty and exhausted. All I had left was her warmth and the soothing balm of her words, words I did not deserve to hear.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" It had already turned cold before the bar emptied out and over the next hour the temperature dropped like a stone. I was wearing a light denim jacket over my stage outfit and the cold dug into me remorselessly, but I forced the sensation down, concentrating on listening and watching. Cigarette stubs littered the ground […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,15,18],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-281","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-1963-to-1967","category-the-past","category-wounds-inflicted"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jaeddy.com\/3500years\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/281","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jaeddy.com\/3500years\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jaeddy.com\/3500years\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jaeddy.com\/3500years\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jaeddy.com\/3500years\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=281"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jaeddy.com\/3500years\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/281\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jaeddy.com\/3500years\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=281"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jaeddy.com\/3500years\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=281"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jaeddy.com\/3500years\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=281"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}